Social Phobia / Social Anxiety

(I read some literature from an advocacy group stating that we are now to call this disorder "social anxiety," and that's what the commercials call it, but my doctor is old fashioned so my official diagnosis is "social phobia." I really couldn't care less either way.)

You might as well know it: I'm crazy. One of my therapists asked me once what I meant when I said I was crazy. I thought that was a really nutty question, don't you? I mean, I was in therapy for crying out loud.

For as long as I can recall, I've battled depression. It's really rather sad to go back and read my diaries from when I was just a little girl, writing about how depressed I was. I don't think little girls should have depression. It's depressing. I used to start crying, seemingly at random, and be completely unable to explain what was upsetting me. It was very frustrating for my mother. My high school counselor was afraid I was suicidal (I wasn't) and had my mother take me to a psychiatrist (just once).

Still, it wasn't until I became a mother that I decided to really get help. The frustrations of motherhood turned depression to anger, and I had no intention of letting this illness hurt my children. But with medication and therapy I started to notice something. I was still depressed, but I wasn't depressed for no reason. I was depressed because I'm lonely, desperate for close friendship, but somehow completely broken and unable to connect. I was diagnosed with social phobia.

Social phobia is like being shy, and paranoid, and socially awkward, and also knowing all along that you're nuts. The crazy thing is that people with this disorder are completely rational and aware that our thoughts don't make sense, but the anxiety is overpowering anyway. Here's some of the craziness that goes on in my head:

I always think that people are watching me. Not like "they're out to get me," but just that I'm so obviously ridiculous they can't help but notice. In high school I used to like to wander around aimlessly during lunch hour, but I'd walk in irregular patterns, because if I just walked a big circle around the school I figured people would wonder what the heck I was doing. And when I'm at the grocery store, and I head to the far side of the store before realizing that what I needed was on the near side, I'm embarrassed as though the other customers actually know that I went the wrong direction.

I tend to talk to myself in public, or to the baby, in order to dispel negative false impressions that I think other people have of me. For example, I'll tell the baby that we need to remember to buy Daddy some cigarettes, because I don't want anyone to think I smoke. Because apparently I think other people not only notice my purchases and make judgments of them, but they eavesdrop on conversations I'm having with my one month old. Also, if I feel that my children are misbehaving in public, I will tell my husband so over and over again. That way anyone nearby who thinks I'm a bad mother for not controlling my children better will know that I agree.

I make acquaintances easily, but I find it very hard to make the jump to friend. One reason for this is that I never speak to anyone that I know. I hate to call even my friends or try to make plans with them, because I think I'm bothering them. I'm always convinced that people already have enough friends and enough plans to keep them busy, and that having to make time to do something with me would be a burden. It's like trying to break into a clique where everyone has known each other forever and they always do everything together, except that I assume that about every person I know.

I've tried joining clubs and activities to make friends, but it really doesn't work well for me. I've sat at a table with the same three other women every week for months on end, and the whole time barely said three words. I keep trying to say something, anything, but the problem is that there just aren't any words in my head. They all run away and join the foreign legion whenever I'm with people. When someone speaks to me, I blush and stammer. Should someone from my Bible study group actually call me to see how I'm doing and to remind me about the upcoming meeting, I'm in such a hurry to escape the phone call that I all but hang up on them. It really is that terrible.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is when other people gossip. I have sought advice on my "shyness" (as I used to call it) on numerous occasions, and I am always told to relax, that no one is judging me, and if I'm just myself I'll be fine. That's hard enough to swallow with the insane voices in my head (so to speak), but it's impossible when those same well-meaning advisers turn around and gossip about someone else. How am I ever supposed to believe that people aren't talking about me, too?

I'm sure everyone will have advice and encouragement, which I appreciate, but please remember that I can't just screw up my courage and go for it. Even if I do quash my paranoia long enough to approach a potential friend, I'm in it for the long haul if I ever want to be comfortable enough for a real conversation. It took living together to be comfortable with Mark, and I have friends I've known for 6 years or longer who I still have to convince myself that they don't think I'm an idiot. So please, be gentle with your well wishes.

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